Acceptance

I came in this morning at five and I was greeted with a big hug from Number Three. He said he loves me, supports me and feels badly about the way things are; and that we are both grown up enough to share the big bed of responsibility for raising our children.

{Who, by the way, are both a bit spoiled.}

Our fault completely – overcompensating for what we never had.  Recently we have figured that out and now they like us less.

Anyway, the words at hand have more to do with acceptance. It has been told to me that the answer to ALL of my problems is acceptance. Acceptance seems to come in ebbs and flows. I am sure this is true with all senses of change, mourning, addiction and quite frankly any aspect of our lives. I have my feelings and expectations so carefully orchestrated these days that any change in the weather can sometimes send me tumbling back six months.

I remember before I quit drinking. I would have a couple of long nights, blackouts, strange encounters with even stranger people and wake up knowing that today was the day I was going to quit. I would not happily stop.  It wasn’t until I accepted the fact that when I drink I become luggage and often become both passionately enraged and in love with people at the same time. Still, I would not happily stop. Finally after many years of black outs with too many experiences to squander my energy thinking about and trying to fix, was I ready. I accepted the notion of not drinking at all.

{That is not to say that any of that was easy – it is however for another story. A long one.}

Acceptance. Accepting who my husband was when I met him, who he is now and where he is now on his own personal journey of acceptance.

Acceptance. I support and love my husband. It took me three tries to find him. I’m not willing to give him up that easily. I am not ready to accept any more consequences for our marriage right now. We had and have an amazing marriage. No doubt, we are fantastic business partners. We parent our children with the same values and goals. We really are a lot of things that you so often do not find in a marriage. I do not regret marrying and having children with him. I am not yet willing to accept defeat for these and so many more reasons.

{Would I have liked to have more choices in some aspects of my marital bed over the past thirteen years? Yes.} 

I am living right now in a state of “don’t make any big changes”. More often than not this is a rule that should be taken into consideration. It’s not easy for a heavy coffee drinking control freak to just go with the flow.

One day at a time I am trying not to ruin my children’s lives. One day at a time I am trying to honor and protect my husband. One day at a time I am trying to let my self enjoy the true love and passion that Number One has been trying to show me for 22 years.

{ Honestly, I could go on and on–as this banter goes on constantly in my unquiet mind.}

Meanwhile, Doctor Beanstalk says she worries that I am using pot as a medicine. Of course I am. I need to be stoned to keep my feet on the ground. Acceptance.

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2 thoughts on “Acceptance

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