Detoxing: Pura Vida

I was lying in my hacienda bed when the housekeeper knocked on the door just now. Listening to Spanish commercials. It’s like telemundo extraordinaire here. I could care less what was on the tv.

I am just listening to all the sounds. Including the voices in my head telling me I am a good mom, wife, friend and writer. Then the other voices interrupt with their nonsense. Why are you lying here? Wy can’t you eat or drink? The doctor lied I must be dying. Quick write it all down so they know you aren’t really crazy – just misunderstood.

I am watching the leaf cutter ants that my son is so fascinated with. They carry more than double their weight up the grassy hill. They just keep moving. Up up up. A couple tried to come over and visit me but I shooed them back in line. I feel a little like one of those wandering ants. They just can’t carry all those fucking pieces of flora around anymore. Halfway through a marathon if I may.  I tried to make excuses and tell the non English speaking housekeeper why I was lying in the dark in a stuffy messy hotel room. She didn’t understand me and just smiled.

She didn’t understand that I am sick and depressed and clinging to the fantasy still that I dreamt up as a child. The one that has me happily married with children and a loving husband….

{You know the one}

I have those things now – and like I said I am in a dark room. Realistically and metaphorically speaking. I just want to be a good mother to my kids. I feel horrible that they see me like this. Pushing out smiles while wrapping my arms around my body trying to hold it all together. A leaf cutter ant without much will to pick up the leaves anymore.

It’s only 10 am. We still have a day and a night here before we hop another flight in the morning to the western coast of costa rica. Hopefully the beach will cheer me up and I’ll be able to consume something.

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