The sun is shining through the screen on my porch and creating a sultry shadow on my ankles. Traffic is picking up on the busy street nearby my house. The usual chatter of teens is missing, as the two schools across the street are emptied for spring vacation. I am thoroughly enjoying the signs of spring that have been gifted so early this year. My roses are reaching high already and I missed the proper time to brace my peonies. As I do every year. The mute has belittled me for not having the water turned on in time to water the pansies he is sure I will kill in two weeks. Layla my dog is whining at my feet to go to the park and I told her I need to finish this first.
It’s all good ~ I am excited as tomorrow will mark the 1 year anniversary of my blog! Corny as it may sound, Miss Carry and I are celebrating the occasion. We are going to drive, work, dance, smoke and play the next couple days away. I am sure she will make a dreamy montage of art as I am terribly spoiled by her creativity.
For the record, I am not a birthday person. Don’t mistake that for, not a gift person, I love presents! I am generally uncomfortable with the attention given to adults in groups over birthdays. Singing at them and hootin and hollering. It feels creepy is all. Kids are a different story. I’m all for kids having birthday parties. A complete asshole I am not. Fuck the ponies and clowns too, I am sick of that nonsense. Get a decent cake, have an age appropriate party and call it a day.
Under the unwavering encouragement and unconditional love of my best girlfriend I started to write down my stories; with contemplated ambivalence at first turning ferocious then, brave over the course of twelve months. The respect and support I have received in return for my authenticity is utterly inexplicable to me. Miss Carry has been the firsthand reader to everything I have written and has never once blinked a judgemental eye at me. I love her for that. She created the site and posted the first story on 4/20 last year.
I don’t read the side effects on the medicine bottles anymore for myself. Too often I have developed odd rashes and changes in breathing patterns for reading somebody else’s script, I need to learn to fly on my own. The rewards I am reaping are the side effects of being true to who I am and shedding my secrets – I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Also by the way – asking for help from a doctor or friend seems to help. That is a new skill I have been practicing, just like an ornery kid – only I am pushing 40. Another birthday. What the fuck. Anyway the point I was trying to reach is I have noticed a particular side effect of accepting myself and my experiences over the past year ~ LOVE.
Love is beginning to replace fear in my thoughts and actions. My words when written or spoken are more frequently coming from a space of compassion and understanding as opposed to the unsettling and at worst crippling fear of judgment and failure. Countless amounts of time spent crying in bathtubs, fighting with rules in my head and physically hurting myself to understand the pain I have felt.
Apparently the cliche’, “The Truth Will Set You Free”, is working very well with positive side effects for me. Please don’t misunderstand me for being a zealot for recovery now. I am, quite frankly, just a better version of my fucked up self. Possibly on the correct anti-depressant and definitely in close cahoots with my therapist over the past six months. Good enough – it is working today!
It would be impossible to address such an important milestone without impressing some love upon my mother. Mimi doesn’t read my writing. But, I am quite sure she is reaping benefits along with me. I do believe the person aside from my own dumb ass that I have come to adore and understand most in the past year is her. I do not remember the day it happened, it was sneaky and coy, tricking me back into calling her mummy one day recently. I find myself calling her Ma more often than her first name I started using years ago. I have a new respect and understanding for her parenting, her mental illness and her love of strangers. I am sure I got it from her as I listen to countless stories of her experiences throughout life. She has many.
That of course is her story though. Today I look forward to the evenings we spend together drinking coffee and strolling around a dog park or casino. I love her.
Purging some of the events I held such shame around for people to read, has enabled me to begin to trust myself enough to say goodbye to people. Everything hasn’t been all roses and sunshine. The fact of the matter is, it’s okay. Relationships don’t always work out and I do not have the energy or desire anymore to please everybody. What I can say is I have loved and lost and I am grateful for it today. The cool part of not wasting so much time on the committee in my head is that I feel like I have made some new connections and relationships that embody something far closer to divine than I have ever known. I am feeling quite lucky and I’m gonna wear the Miu Miu sandals my husband bought me last April when we started this Blog business last year.
That’s it for this morning, I need a little rest and serious grooming for a party later. Thank you from the bottom of my melting heart for reading my words and hearing my voice over the past year. I could not have done it without each and every reader.
I love you.
“We were dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing….”
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