Eye Shadow

More often than not I am singing the song, “My eyes adore You”, in my head. It’s true. It is on an endless loop with the other nonstop chain of melodies and jingles. There are countless references to body language and speaking with only the eyes. We certainly can speak with our eyes, as it was pointed out to me last night at the Social Studies fair at my kid’s school.

Me: While putting my full open hand on the area where my sternum and clavicles meet asking and stating, “Who is that dad over there? He makes me a little uncomfortable.”

Other Blonde mom states frankly: “The one that you just exchanged eyes with?”

 {Was I unnerved with my transparency or her ability to read me}

My son was two when I started to find my identity again. I am still becoming that woman on a daily basis. It is absolutely a one day at a time thing. Along with that I am reminded of the importance of being genuine and kind to one’s soul. When I began to take care of the garage for my soul again, I was able to begin to like myself.  It was that fateful night when Carrie was in Paris waiting for Mr. Big. It was the last show of the series. My kids were asleep, my husband was in another country and I lit my first cigarette in over two years. As I stood on the cold concrete of the front stairs, I stared at the giant beech tree on a street that I have walked down a million times in my life time and I remembered my name was Leigh.

“Grey sky, always in your eye. Where is the girl behind the cloud?

Grey sky, always floating by But I only peek when I’m allowed.”   –Grey Sky Eyes, Carbon Leaf

My eyes had been cloudy for so long. Fogged with the smog of what I felt that society expected from me as a woman. The expectations to be a super woman. Given to extremism, the pressure I put on myself had grown to take over my mind and I found myself unhappily married, very overweight and surrounded by people who made me feel inadequate. I wore clothes that hung on my body that didn’t make me smile only covered my up. I kept a baseball hat on most days and generally fell into the given up on that part of myself look. My kids, my house and my husband all looked good though.

{The gig was over and I felt trapped}

You see, I have always enjoyed cosmetics. I have been playing with them since I was a little girl. All of those colors and concoctions not unlike a found steamer trunk filled with costumes and fancy hats to be fashioned any way your imagination or mood inspires. When I began my journey into the palette of mediums of make up it was the late seventies, by the time I was a ten it was mid eighties and I was never comfortable with the bright colors on my eyes or lips for that matter.

My brown eyes are almond-shaped and I find them to be small. I never liked the way mascara and liner and swooshes of color made them stand out. My lips are full and I seemed to get away with pink lipstick some eyeliner leaving my bangs covering my eyes until I was about thirty five. When I would do housekeeping or mundane around the house chores I would often surround my eyes with dark liners and royal purples and fabulous blues. NARS and Urban Decay palettes are my favorite. I have stacks of singles in my closet and can be found touching the display racks in Sephora and Ulta like Helen Keller reading braille.

My sunglasses qualify as an eye shadow. I wear them most of the time. I have a bunch and I collect different shapes, colors and styles to compliment my mood or activity. My absolute favorite fall upon are Ray Ban Aviators. I wear Oakley’s for working out, they have the best grips in my humble opinion. They have sat on my face for hundreds of training hours, blood, sweat and tears. And throw up. When I started writing again and made the commitment to live my life authentically, I had no idea the challenge I had ahead of me. How the hell would I? I had been a chameleon for my entire life. i am expert in blending in. That is why I say that I am invisible. I have practiced it so deeply that I can summon a vibration, a cocoon of comfort. I imagine now that I could use it as a form of meditation.

If I had to choose one of the funnest benefits of being true to myself and affording the universe my true self – it has to be dressing and wearing make – up just the way that makes me most comfortable. I can fashion an outfit or a face appropriately for any occasion that makes me feel good.

I don’t really care if you don’t like my dark long eyelashes smudged with black and gold and a fedora during the day. If I feel like wearing a creamy peacock turquoise eyeshadow to the dog park with a True Religion trucker hat – so be it. It is fun, it is girly and pretty. Sometimes a sparkly pink MAC shadow will be released and seeing it makes me want to twirl.

TWIRL! How many things during the hum drum of daily life make you want to twirl around?

Discovering the beauty in engaging another in heartfelt conversation; or giddy banter while letting someone look into my eyes, is wondrous. Feelings in any realm can be realized when connecting with somebody else’s eyes. I remain careful with my emotions as I am truly awkward with intimacy and will trip over myself physically if I feel like I am the center of attention or people are just vaguely looking at me. The more comfortable I become in my own skin and the more I live my life with conviction – the less need I have to cover my eyes. I am enjoying the feeling of acceptance. And I adore batting these long silky dark eyelashes at anybody who I care to.

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