I am a hot bath person. Not lolling around but most nights I will cook for 10 minutes before bed. Baths are a ritual and a way to heat up my fucked up feet. Added ego boost- everybody’s legs look lovely wet and surrounded by that little soapy ring. The way the water moves the ring along the length of the leg. I could lose myself in that silliness for a good 3 – 7 minutes. What we need more of are ritual showers. Well needed and usually deserved pampering that takes time.

That’s why I would like to discuss the super dreamy topic of things I love to do in the shower and don’t have time to every time.

I love my little grooming suite. I designed it with my brother-in-law a couple of years ago. It is white and various shades of blue glass tile. The shower is completely glass with a slanted ceiling that I have repeatedly slammed my head on. I have a lovely rain shower spout that I never turn on because it is only capable of giving my face a waterboarding treatment that would be questionable by the most contestable of politicians. The other head, (yes I have two – remember I designed it) is a hand-held. When I picked out the circus shower head, it was sleek and almost phallic in its cradle. It had eight different pulses and water pressures. It was my reward for all the hard work, sweat and tears i had put into mothering and taking care of the house.

{Another step in celebrating womanhood, designing my house around some of my desires}

The fucking plumber installed a different designed head. It’s about as big as his head and mocks me by being the only one that works effectively on the rest of my body.  This water closet is off the tv room, frankly I like that and claimed it as mine. As mine as something in my house can be;.mostly because I can either hear the kids or I can shower and scram at night without being discovered.

Let’s get started with the first and most obvious. Masturbate. Nothing better than a hot steamy glass cave to get on with some good. Mostly none of this bubbly fun can be had at my house due to the fact that there is no lock on my door. And people come in-and-out mostly when you think they won’t. The Boy regularly comes in with injuries and inquiries that require “Mom – please wipe a circle on the glass so I can talk to you.” Or almost as frequently, The Boy, The Girl and Layla the Bernese mountain dog will all squish about in some sort of X- Games battle.

Exfoliate. I’m not talking about quickly swishing on some Olay with beads nonsense. The real thing. Using a natural bristle to dry brush the body. Gently invigorating the skin and some say helps move toxins through the body, more easily eliminated. See above paragraph for what may happen while standing naked feeling like a goddess deserving of the finest luxuries. Which takes me to wet exfoliation. I love those scratchy little gloves that are really fucking hard to put on and off when they are wet. Before I finish a shower whilst my body is wet and warm, I will put on the gloves load them up with fresh brown sugar body polish (worth every damned penny, Goddess remember) and slowly work up my body, toes to neck. During this process I usually slip once often knocking all those products off the metal rack causing a loud  crash and people to come in. More often than not I am rushing by now and have forgotten to do a foot or something and will have to put a glove back on cause what’s the point of doing it if I don’t do as right as I can.

Hair removal is a pretty broad subject and it need to be addressed in some fashion in every shower otherwise if I waited for the time to completely shave and clip and check for ingrown and eyebrow wildness, or what I dread but haven’t found yet – gray eyebrow or white short and curly – I would be unapproachable for like four days a week.

I am of Polish and Italian descent. I am not Mediterranean hairy, but it can’t be neglected for long. I shave my lower legs every day. Otherwise I feel like shit. Can’t stand the feeling of anything dragging on my leg hair. No thanks. It’s gross.  Nothing sweeter than lathering up with something creamy and heavenly scented from Lush or Aveda. I will overdose on most anything in there, even while being question assaulted by a young over-anxious sales girl, that inevitably I will become chatty with because I will take control of the situation and discuss whatever their latest cause is. I like to shave with Venus cartridges. That clean smooth feeling along the entire leg is so delicious and worth it if you don’t mind precariously balancing your foot on a really shiny pretty glass wall; ie: slippery. Every single time I start I begin to secure the small muscles in my core to stabilize what would really suck.falling into the glass door onto the head crackin powder room floor.  And if I didn’t hurt myself, some contractor or somebody else’s kid would find me wet and ridiculous.

I do not have music in my dreamy girl cave. For no reason other than I never think to get an appropriate sound system for the loo. This of course would then solidify getting interrupted without warning.

My favorite shower item is always my soap. I always have a gel that is refreshing and can be used for multi purposes. A cream that is moisturizing and soothing and has some made up exotic plant in it and a slice of something local and colorful, usually in season to wash away the nonsense and worry that inevitably makes its way into my daily life.

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